Thinking about life, love, relationships, work, the entire spectrum of life.

Ok, so I know my last post was in June and I feel super terrible for taking so much time in between posts, but really, I have just had so many thoughts on my mind that I didn't know how to put them all down on paper - er computer.

My last 8 months in America have been exciting, stressful, memorable, nostalgic, filled with culture shock and all sorts of other emotions that I don't quite have the words for. Always with the inadequacy of language.

I always wish I had more words to express my emotions.... hence my love of languages. I feel like the more languages you know, the more you can express yourself.... even if only to those who can speak the language you are using... lol.

So I am working. I am working at an Orthodox Jewish school in Beverly Hills. It's swanky, and filled with the future movers and shakers of Hollywood and the rest of the world. I have the world's kindest boss. He's smart, introverted, kind, and gentle with his words. Stark contrast to the mean and evil man I was working for initially. I must say, working for Rabbi's are pretty cool.

I've learned all sorts of things about Orthodox Jewish culture, like men and women can't touch. When I hand things to my boss, I never put things into his hand. I hold one end and hand it to him with the other. Also, a lot of women cover their hair with wigs when they get married. They basically all practice Shabbat- so on Fridays at sundown they are all inside with their families doing Shabbat things. I have never personally been to Shabbat, but I know they eat a food called Cholent, which is like a stew made in a slow cooker. They can't use electricity or drive cars. Also, they can't cut things. This lasts for 25 hours, so my email is basically quiet until sundown on Saturday night. Also, contrary to popular belief, they don't all have beards. I know 2 rabbis who don't have beards.... My Rabbi (yes, I refer to him as my rabbi), and one of the younger rabbis in our school. Though, the beards are pretty cool.

I miss working directly with the kidlets, but it's nice to be in the atmosphere of school. I like the vibe of children playing and laughing. I also like the strange trouble kids find themselves in. The other day 3 boys came into the office because they'd *found* a stamp and decided it would be a good idea to stamp each other's faces. THEY HAD STAMPS ALL OVER THEIR FACES. It was glorious. Hilarious. Of course they got in trouble, but I had a hard time not laughing while they were being reprimanded.

Relationship wise, well I am still single. I was dating someone for a while... probably since about the time I got back to the states. He is a nice guy. I was really happy. He is a kind guy. A sweet boy. And I wish I was the type to move on easily and to not let my emotions linger... but I love completely... so breakups are always hard for me. I wish him happiness. There's so much to say about this, but probably not best for the blog.

Adjusting to life in the states has been difficult. It's been really hard for me to make friends here. Can you believe that? I'm SOOOO easy to get along with. lol. Actually no, I am super judgmental and I don't like a lot of people - I don't like most people easily, which is probably why I am having trouble making friends... The guy I was dating was basically the only friend I saw regularly.... sooooooooo now I am free a lot. lol. I don't know. Maybe it's just been too long since I've lived in LA. I don't know.

My sister had a baby. My niece got older. It's crazy. Things have been so rapidly changing.

                                                             Smelly Ellie.

                             **Not the best picture of Beka and I at the Cal/USC football game. lol. (SHES SO BIG NOW!!!!)

And of course, nothing would be complete without my old Japan friends and our monthly tin-cook. This last month we had a *friendsgiving* complete with a no oven challenge.

Everything was delicious (as always)!

I was kind of going through my facebook feed to see what I could find.... and I found this thing I wrote about myself a while back. I wrote it in 2009. It's on Facebook if you want to read the old one.... but I am going to do it again - without looking at the answers to see what has/hasn't changed in my life.

more facebook notes about meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

April 8, 2009 at 8:24am

PublicFriendsFriends except AcquaintancesOnly MeCustomBerkeleyClose FriendsNagoya-shi, Aichi, Japan AreaSee all lists...ECCIndividual SoftwareＥＣＣSanta Clara, California AreaSouth El Monte HighSephoraFamilyUC BerkeleyCulver City, California AreaHarkham Hillel Hebrew AcademyKinder Kids International SchoolECC Foreign Language Institutes of JapanEccAcquaintancesGo Back

My story - Finish the sentence...

Hi, my name is ... バルちゃん (baru-chan) or valberry

My eyes are... adorned with beautiful false eyelashes at the moment. =)

 Took this picture today. ^^

My status is ... forever single.

I want to have kids? as i get older, i think the chances are getting slimmer.

I wish I were... in a different place in my life right now.

Currently I am... trying to figure out my life.

I Love... many people and many things. love is a big part of who i am. i wish we all loved more.

Never in my life have I been to... england, and that makes me sad! T_T

My favorite animal is... my little chibi.

Really though, isn't he adorable????!!!

My favorite color(s) is(are): still black, grey, and dark purple.

My Pet Peeve(s): fake people. people who run away because they are afraid. weak people. there's a long list. lol.

Right now... i'm thinking of all the things I need to do (with my life), and all the things I want to do with my life.

The one person who can drive me nuts is... no one really drives me nuts right now....

When I'm nervous... i clean. like seriously. i can't stop cleaning.

The last song I listened to was... requiem in d minor- mozart. yes, i am pretentious.

If I were to get married today... my family would be relieved. lol.

My hair is... long and black.

When I was 4... my sister had just been born. <3

My mom... is happier now. i used to worry about her a lot.

My dad... is dead. his life was tragic. and today, for the first time in a long time, i picked up the phone to call him... and realized i couldn't. T_T

Last Christmas... i was coming home.

I should be... cleaning. anxiety and all.

When I look down... i see my sleeping puppy.

The happiest recent event would be... when I went to the fair. that was the best night i've had since i've been back.

Pretending to eat a jumbo corn dog.... ^_^;;

And this: 

My prized possession: Jumbo CornDuck.

My current annoyance is... noisy americans.

There's this girl I know... who i really wish i could secretly medicate.

The thing I want to buy is... a plane ticket.

If you visited the place I'm from... you'd run in fear. lol

The most recent thing I've bought myself... a lamp.

The most recent thing someone else bought me was... curry and miso soup. i felt loved.

It was delicious. I wish I had more. T_T

If I was an animal I'd be... bobby once told me he thought i'd be a squirrel if i was an animal. i think he might be right.... but I'd want to be a black squirrel. ^^

Yesterday I... worked too much.

Last night I was... sleeping through the rain.

Tomorrow I... will try to think better thoughts.

Tonight I am... gonna clean. lol.

My favorite piece of jewelery is... my grandmother's or my grandfather's wedding ring.

My favorite shoes: boots i bought in japan. sooooo cozy!

I am looking forward to... cori coming to town. <3

The ones that know the most about me are... james, bobby, cori, ryota, go, maki, oscar, and laura. So I am thankful for your guys and all that you've done for me lately. I miss all of you guys daily, hourly, by the minute even. <3

----------------------

In reading my old entry (from 2009), I noticed the following:
- Well, I guess I am not so focused on Kanji anymore. lol. That's a plus.
- My father has since passed. That sucked.
- I kinda still want to be a sparkly vampire.

Lot's of "sah's" in my life currently, but I am optimistic that life will get better slowly but surely.

one day at a time. <3 me.

return to the motherland.

well, its been a while since ive returned to the u.s. i have been hesitant/reluctant to post this final blog for several reasons. leaving japan was actually pretty hard for me. i felt like i needed to make the change, and i guess i am happy that i did, but it was a 55/45 split about leaving. with that in mind, reliving my final days has been kinda hard. i finally posted my pictures to facebook though, and i figured it would be good to follow up with my last blog.

ok, so the update. like i said, its been 2 months since i got back. how do i feel, you ask? i feel "meh". i thought the adjustment would be a bit easier. living in l.a. really isnt a punishment by any sense of the word. i love the weather, the beautiful people, and having my car! also, i have access to all the things i missed in japan. i have my niece. i love her to pieces. shes so smart, so sweet. shes also gotten soooo big!!! my niece is now like 2 feet taller. she was 4 when i left. now shes 7. she's a real person now. she has emotions and thoughts.... and logic!shes also gonna be a big sister in august. i feel its my responsibility to teach her how to be a big sister/eldest child. im sure she will be a natural at the job, but i know its also hard. its a totally new familial dynamic. i look forward to being able to take her on weekends. we are also planning to go the hello kitty convention in october. also, knowing my sister will probably be leaving the state next year, i feel so relieved to have the ability to spend time with my sister and her family.

it has also been nice to see my family. they've been through some serious hardships in the last few years, and its nice to finally come back and spend some time with them. i feel like i've had lots of tlc. i'm also so relieved to see how well they have come out of those hardships. my family never gives up. that is always inspiring.

there's also been a pretty big divide happening in the family. without going into details, i'd really like to see my family whole again... at some point. its disheartening.

along with getting older - my grandparents are noticeably older. my grandpa is still pretty spritely, but my grandma has slowed down a bit. i know people get old. i know its natural. its still hard to see. theres no way to help. theres nothing i can do. i try to make sure everyone i know, that everyone knows how much i love them... so i know i am doing everything i can for my relationship with them... but its still... unsettling. i actually remember thinking when i was about 12/13 years old how i wanted to die when they died. lol. of course i was just a kid, but the amount of weight/influence they have on my life has always been pretty big. i don't know how to watch people get older.

i mentioned it in my last blog, but princess died earlier this year. it was so hard not to see her when i got home. chibi just about wet himself- and me - when i got back. there was so much joy! why is my dog so adorable?

but getting back to my list. this is what i wrote in my last blog:

So I guess this is the tentative plan.

Step 1: Move home. - check.
Step 2: Find a job. Something I really like and endure for the long run/ endure until I can find what I want in the long run. - kind of. i have found a pretty decent, stable job. 
Step 3: Settle down. Choose a path and stay on it for a while. Stop moving, build up my career, put down some roots. not quite here yet. im a serious flight risk right now. lol. 
Step 4: Figure out what what steps 4-100 are supposed to be/what I want them to be. to be completed later.

i think my life is somewhat like the plan below at the moment.....:

Plan b is something like this:

Step 1: Move home, and upon which find out I am no longer "home".... and possible panic mode. But do not fret! yes! this is me right now. panic! all the panic! panic!!!!

Step 2-5: Get my passport renewed. Settle finances. Go through storage. Get chibi's shots/immunizations taken care of. i am going to do this in the next couple of weeks.

Step 6: Reflect. If I really decide that Japan is where home is, then that means I really need to be at peace with leaving on a long term basis. With every passing year, the chance of death increases, new babies will be born, babies will grow up. Life will continue without me. It already has to some extent. I blinked and my niece grew a foot taller. My beautiful cat of 12 years died. These things hit my heart deeply. But the last time I was in Japan- on my study abroad, my dad died. That was my biggest fear ever- realized. I survived that.... though admittedly it was a very primal survival. still thinking on this part. still thinking.

so, i think - at the two month mark - i am still trying out this place. i don't feel like this is home so much anymore. i haven't completely unpacked yet. i am still thinking (daily) about how to get back to japan. i am trying to decide if it will make me happier than being here. 

here is a list of things i have noticed thus far:

american consumerism really bothers me. i dont want to BUY ALL THE THINGS. i dont need them. i dont want to EAT ALL THE THINGS. im pretty happy keeping my diet simple. i also feel a lot more stress here. i am a lot more involved in things here. there is more pressure. also, i have to reestablish my entire network again. of course, all of this was all expected. 

i feel stagnant though too. i need to get moving on things. i think i am going to take a few classes. that will help me reestablish my network, and make me feel like i am going somewhere. i think i have too much time on my hands.

so, i am gonna post some pics from my last month of adventures.... though i am sure these arent the final set. there will be more time spent in japan.... i am positive.

this was taken in toyko. i rather like it. it was from some random alleyway that i walked down. ^^

my friend waka is really the best. she let me stay with her in her apartment in tokyo - for basically as long as i wanted. then she took me to do ALL OF THE HELLO KITTY THINGS SHE COULD FIND. one of the things we did was get our nails done by a hello kitty artist.

 did i mention....ALL THE HELLO KITTY THINGS!!!!

obligatory fuji-san photo. probably the closest i will ever be to that mountain. lol. 

cori and i spent all our time together since we both stopped working at the same time... we went everywhere JUST TO SEE ALL THE SAKURA!!! this selfie was taken in hamamatsu.

doesnt it look peaceful?!?! it wassssssss!!!! ^^

my friend maiko got transferred to matsusaka, so i took a train to visit her. its kind of the middle of nowhere, but we found more sakura... thus, it was a fabulous day.

maki and i at hanami. dude it was so cold. we were pretty miserable in this picture. lololol. this is at tsuruma park. ^^

my ecc. girls. my life would have been so dull without them. <3

anna and i met in 2008 when i first got to cal. she didnt speak any english... and i didnt speak any japanese really. 6 years later.... we were able to communicate sooooooooo much better!!! lololol. taken in kyoto.

still in kyoto! so lucky to have ariel and nicky in my life! they are so wonderful! we were gonna go out but decided to stay in and order ALL THE PIZZA!!!

osaka - boob shaped pudding. you know you wanna try.

kind of a berkeley reunion all over japan! miaka has really grown since we met! <3

another old convo. partner. maiko is now a travel agent in osaka. she came and spent thanksgiving with my sister and i in 2008. she's the best at planning. i always have sooooooo much fun when we hang out!!! ^^

youre not supposed to show your teeth. thats virtually impossible for me. lololol

this was us at the airport. maki took time off of work to drive all of us. go, he made fun of me traveling in sweats. this is where i feel the love. these people.

so there you have it. the final installation. its been a good couple of years. now to figure out what to do next.....

Departure; on leaving japan and plans for the next chapter(s)

Wow, so I guess the postings have been kinda neglected a lot lately. I've been so busy and so tired that I haven't really had time to sit down and collect my thoughts... So I guess I will take a few minutes to write down some things currently on my mind.

First off, yes it's true. I am leaving Japan. Bet you never thought I'd ever say that right??? Believe me, I never thought I would say that either.

I am looking forward to seeing my dog. Every time I see his picture, my heart aches. Chibi really is the cutest little guy.

Next, I need to see my niece and tell her that she's perfect and see how much she's grown. Also, will my sister be huge? My guess is, no. But she's still got a baby inside her, so there's many happenings to take part in. Also, I need to check in on the grandparents. My G was sick last time we spoke... and since grandma can't hear, it's difficult to talk to her on the phone very much.

I want to see where my life goes. I have so many things to do.... I wanna do big things, great things, and I need time to do all of them.... unfortunately, I also need money. hehehe. I don't have money though... so my timeframes progress in decades, not years. ^^;;

Going home still kinda seems surreal. It's a choice that I have made reluctantly, and one I am still not completely sure of. However, I've moved so many times and to so many different types of places, this move shouldn't be too difficult to adjust to. After all, it is home.

Or is it? It's been at least 12 or 13 years since I've lived in LA. I love the weather, the atmosphere, the everything... but again, it's been too long for me to accurately judge the reality of living vs. visiting.

I think my step-dad and I are on the same page. It's odd how he and I can understand each other without having to say much, and considering how very different we are. Luckily, I think we both respect each other and that goes a long way. He is not entirely convinced that I will get on the plane back home. He wonders if I'm gonna sell my ticket and stay here... Not gonna lie, the thought has crossed my mind. However, I have already set this plan into motion and I am usually pretty good at following through.

So I guess this is the tentative plan.

Step 1: Move home.
Step 2: Find a job. Something I really like and endure for the long run/ endure until I can find what I want in the long run.
Step 3: Settle down. Choose a path and stay on it for a while. Stop moving, build up my career, put down some roots.
Step 4: Figure out what what steps 4-100 are supposed to be/what I want them to be.

I need to make sure everything is right in my heart. I cannot live with regrets or questions in life. So what happens if I move home and I realize that I have made a mistake? Well, that's not an option. There are no mistakes. I think if I move home and I realize home is not where I want to be, then I set into motion the secondary plan.

Something like this:

Step 1: Move home, and upon which find out I am no longer "home".... and possible panic mode. But do not fret!
Step 2-5: Get my passport renewed. Settle finances. Go through storage. Get chibi's shots/immunizations taken care of.
Step 6: Reflect. If I really decide that Japan is where home is, then that means I really need to be at peace with leaving on a long term basis. With every passing year, the chance of death increases, new babies will be born, babies will grow up. Life will continue without me. It already has to some extent. I blinked and my niece grew a foot taller. My beautiful cat of 12 years died. These things hit my heart deeply. But the last time I was in Japan- on my study abroad, my dad died. That was my biggest fear ever- realized. I survived that.... though admittedly it was a very primal survival.

I think I will be happy either way. I like my life. I am basically happy anywhere I go- if given some time to sit and figure out my situation. Just gotta figure out where my heart is telling me to be. I can't figure that out until I go back home and see.

-----

Currently, I am in the final stages of leaving my job. I got my review today and it was soooo much better than the last one. The last one wasn't bad but it wasn't glowing either. I am the type of person who really needs to sit and soak in a situation before taking charge. That means I can come off as incompetent, aloof, and/or sometimes dumb. Now that time has passed, I feel like I understand the system parameters well enough to make good judgements. Anyway, yay me!

Today I said goodbye to one of my students. She will not be attending the last day of class tomorrow. I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her, told her to study hard, and to do all her homework. I imagine what my dad must've felt like always telling me to do my best and "go to college". It was very momma bear-esque. It really hit me in the feels. I don't usually cry at work, but tomorrow might be an exception. The thought of not seeing these babies anymore really rips at my heart. I am so proud of how much they've matured and grown. This really has been the most exhausting job of my life thus far and easily the most rewarding. That's what they told me in the interview. It consumes my life, but I wake up happy to go to work in the morning. ^^

Thankfully, with this last review it looks like given they have space, I have the possibility of being rehired- should I want to come back. That makes me feel really secure in my choice to go home. Going home is not closing the door here.

Tomorrow is my last day with the kidlets. Thursday is my last day of work. I have so much to think about, but for now the focus is on tomorrow. Then moving back home in 29 days. Then choosing a long term path. One step at a time ne. ^^