Wow, so I guess the postings have been kinda neglected a lot lately. I've been so busy and so tired that I haven't really had time to sit down and collect my thoughts... So I guess I will take a few minutes to write down some things currently on my mind.
First off, yes it's true. I am leaving Japan. Bet you never thought I'd ever say that right??? Believe me, I never thought I would say that either.
I am looking forward to seeing my dog. Every time I see his picture, my heart aches. Chibi really is the cutest little guy.
Next, I need to see my niece and tell her that she's perfect and see how much she's grown. Also, will my sister be huge? My guess is, no. But she's still got a baby inside her, so there's many happenings to take part in. Also, I need to check in on the grandparents. My G was sick last time we spoke... and since grandma can't hear, it's difficult to talk to her on the phone very much.
I want to see where my life goes. I have so many things to do.... I wanna do big things, great things, and I need time to do all of them.... unfortunately, I also need money. hehehe. I don't have money though... so my timeframes progress in decades, not years. ^^;;
Going home still kinda seems surreal. It's a choice that I have made reluctantly, and one I am still not completely sure of. However, I've moved so many times and to so many different types of places, this move shouldn't be too difficult to adjust to. After all, it is home.
Or is it? It's been at least 12 or 13 years since I've lived in LA. I love the weather, the atmosphere, the everything... but again, it's been too long for me to accurately judge the reality of living vs. visiting.
I think my step-dad and I are on the same page. It's odd how he and I can understand each other without having to say much, and considering how very different we are. Luckily, I think we both respect each other and that goes a long way. He is not entirely convinced that I will get on the plane back home. He wonders if I'm gonna sell my ticket and stay here... Not gonna lie, the thought has crossed my mind. However, I have already set this plan into motion and I am usually pretty good at following through.
So I guess this is the tentative plan.
Step 1: Move home.
Step 2: Find a job. Something I really like and endure for the long run/ endure until I can find what I want in the long run.
Step 3: Settle down. Choose a path and stay on it for a while. Stop moving, build up my career, put down some roots.
Step 4: Figure out what what steps 4-100 are supposed to be/what I want them to be.
I need to make sure everything is right in my heart. I cannot live with regrets or questions in life. So what happens if I move home and I realize that I have made a mistake? Well, that's not an option. There are no mistakes. I think if I move home and I realize home is not where I want to be, then I set into motion the secondary plan.
Something like this:
Step 1: Move home, and upon which find out I am no longer "home".... and possible panic mode. But do not fret!
Step 2-5: Get my passport renewed. Settle finances. Go through storage. Get chibi's shots/immunizations taken care of.
Step 6: Reflect. If I really decide that Japan is where home is, then that means I really need to be at peace with leaving on a long term basis. With every passing year, the chance of death increases, new babies will be born, babies will grow up. Life will continue without me. It already has to some extent. I blinked and my niece grew a foot taller. My beautiful cat of 12 years died. These things hit my heart deeply. But the last time I was in Japan- on my study abroad, my dad died. That was my biggest fear ever- realized. I survived that.... though admittedly it was a very primal survival.
I think I will be happy either way. I like my life. I am basically happy anywhere I go- if given some time to sit and figure out my situation. Just gotta figure out where my heart is telling me to be. I can't figure that out until I go back home and see.
-----
Currently, I am in the final stages of leaving my job. I got my review today and it was soooo much better than the last one. The last one wasn't bad but it wasn't glowing either. I am the type of person who really needs to sit and soak in a situation before taking charge. That means I can come off as incompetent, aloof, and/or sometimes dumb. Now that time has passed, I feel like I understand the system parameters well enough to make good judgements. Anyway, yay me!
Today I said goodbye to one of my students. She will not be attending the last day of class tomorrow. I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her, told her to study hard, and to do all her homework. I imagine what my dad must've felt like always telling me to do my best and "go to college". It was very momma bear-esque. It really hit me in the feels. I don't usually cry at work, but tomorrow might be an exception. The thought of not seeing these babies anymore really rips at my heart. I am so proud of how much they've matured and grown. This really has been the most exhausting job of my life thus far and easily the most rewarding. That's what they told me in the interview. It consumes my life, but I wake up happy to go to work in the morning. ^^
Thankfully, with this last review it looks like given they have space, I have the possibility of being rehired- should I want to come back. That makes me feel really secure in my choice to go home. Going home is not closing the door here.
Tomorrow is my last day with the kidlets. Thursday is my last day of work. I have so much to think about, but for now the focus is on tomorrow. Then moving back home in 29 days. Then choosing a long term path. One step at a time ne. ^^
First off, yes it's true. I am leaving Japan. Bet you never thought I'd ever say that right??? Believe me, I never thought I would say that either.
I am looking forward to seeing my dog. Every time I see his picture, my heart aches. Chibi really is the cutest little guy.
Next, I need to see my niece and tell her that she's perfect and see how much she's grown. Also, will my sister be huge? My guess is, no. But she's still got a baby inside her, so there's many happenings to take part in. Also, I need to check in on the grandparents. My G was sick last time we spoke... and since grandma can't hear, it's difficult to talk to her on the phone very much.
I want to see where my life goes. I have so many things to do.... I wanna do big things, great things, and I need time to do all of them.... unfortunately, I also need money. hehehe. I don't have money though... so my timeframes progress in decades, not years. ^^;;
Going home still kinda seems surreal. It's a choice that I have made reluctantly, and one I am still not completely sure of. However, I've moved so many times and to so many different types of places, this move shouldn't be too difficult to adjust to. After all, it is home.
Or is it? It's been at least 12 or 13 years since I've lived in LA. I love the weather, the atmosphere, the everything... but again, it's been too long for me to accurately judge the reality of living vs. visiting.
I think my step-dad and I are on the same page. It's odd how he and I can understand each other without having to say much, and considering how very different we are. Luckily, I think we both respect each other and that goes a long way. He is not entirely convinced that I will get on the plane back home. He wonders if I'm gonna sell my ticket and stay here... Not gonna lie, the thought has crossed my mind. However, I have already set this plan into motion and I am usually pretty good at following through.
So I guess this is the tentative plan.
Step 1: Move home.
Step 2: Find a job. Something I really like and endure for the long run/ endure until I can find what I want in the long run.
Step 3: Settle down. Choose a path and stay on it for a while. Stop moving, build up my career, put down some roots.
Step 4: Figure out what what steps 4-100 are supposed to be/what I want them to be.
I need to make sure everything is right in my heart. I cannot live with regrets or questions in life. So what happens if I move home and I realize that I have made a mistake? Well, that's not an option. There are no mistakes. I think if I move home and I realize home is not where I want to be, then I set into motion the secondary plan.
Something like this:
Step 1: Move home, and upon which find out I am no longer "home".... and possible panic mode. But do not fret!
Step 2-5: Get my passport renewed. Settle finances. Go through storage. Get chibi's shots/immunizations taken care of.
Step 6: Reflect. If I really decide that Japan is where home is, then that means I really need to be at peace with leaving on a long term basis. With every passing year, the chance of death increases, new babies will be born, babies will grow up. Life will continue without me. It already has to some extent. I blinked and my niece grew a foot taller. My beautiful cat of 12 years died. These things hit my heart deeply. But the last time I was in Japan- on my study abroad, my dad died. That was my biggest fear ever- realized. I survived that.... though admittedly it was a very primal survival.
I think I will be happy either way. I like my life. I am basically happy anywhere I go- if given some time to sit and figure out my situation. Just gotta figure out where my heart is telling me to be. I can't figure that out until I go back home and see.
-----
Currently, I am in the final stages of leaving my job. I got my review today and it was soooo much better than the last one. The last one wasn't bad but it wasn't glowing either. I am the type of person who really needs to sit and soak in a situation before taking charge. That means I can come off as incompetent, aloof, and/or sometimes dumb. Now that time has passed, I feel like I understand the system parameters well enough to make good judgements. Anyway, yay me!
Today I said goodbye to one of my students. She will not be attending the last day of class tomorrow. I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her, told her to study hard, and to do all her homework. I imagine what my dad must've felt like always telling me to do my best and "go to college". It was very momma bear-esque. It really hit me in the feels. I don't usually cry at work, but tomorrow might be an exception. The thought of not seeing these babies anymore really rips at my heart. I am so proud of how much they've matured and grown. This really has been the most exhausting job of my life thus far and easily the most rewarding. That's what they told me in the interview. It consumes my life, but I wake up happy to go to work in the morning. ^^
Thankfully, with this last review it looks like given they have space, I have the possibility of being rehired- should I want to come back. That makes me feel really secure in my choice to go home. Going home is not closing the door here.
Tomorrow is my last day with the kidlets. Thursday is my last day of work. I have so much to think about, but for now the focus is on tomorrow. Then moving back home in 29 days. Then choosing a long term path. One step at a time ne. ^^
Going to miss you, Valerie.... T^T (Ari)
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