two years later.... the anniversary of my fathers death.

my dad was an alcoholic. (doesnt that sound like the beginning of an AA meeting?)

i dont say that to be mean, or to dredge up the past or for any other reason than to begin this post with a truth that had such a large impact on my life.

today is the night before the two year anniversary of my dads death.  this night is unique for me because i was in japan 2 years ago when it happened.

it was about this time that i was getting ready for bed.  it was a tuesday night. we had one week left of classes in tokyo and finals were to be held that thursday and friday. i had papers due. my roommate kathy had just gone to bed.

this night two years ago i remember thinking how very lucky i was. i couldnt believe i had finally made it to berkeley.  not only had i finally made it to berkeley, but i was finally going to graduate from berkeley.  the classes i was taking in japan were my very last classes.  mostly electives but necessary for graduation nonetheless.  as i lay in bed thinking, i felt a very strong sense of calm and peace in my mind and in my heart. even now the memory of the feeling of the memory is strong.  that sleep that night was a good sleep.  i would be a long time before i would have a sleep like that again.

of course i awoke to a phone call from bobby early the next morning.  bobby was calling me to tell me that i needed to contact my sister immediately because something had happened. just like bobby, he wouldnt tell me what happened... just that i needed to call cin. after that, time kind of stops.

i remember hastily writing emails to professors telling them i was leaving the program... asking bobby to get me on the next plane back to the u.s.a., and leaving frantic goodbye notes to friends, since i had already started collecting end of the semester gifts for them...

next thing i remember, i was back on a plane heading home. the plane ride (all 13+ hours of it) was a blur... coming home, organizing the funeral... all a blur.  i remember speaking at my dads funeral. i have vague memories of what i said and who was there...

i specifically remember jennifer coming to see me and bringing me flowers just before she hopped on a plane to taiwan- still one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.  i have no idea how james knew how to find me, but he was there too. it seems whenever i am in trouble, james knows where to find me and how to help. i also remember my step sister christi coming. she didnt know my father, but she came for us anyway.

we had the funeral on a monday because my dad didnt want a big fuss.  he used to say that he wanted his funeral to be invitation only... and before coming to japan, my dad told me that since i was the oldest and he was not married, it was up to me to handle his funeral. we went through pages and pages of questions that the hospital wanted us to fill out. when we got to organ donation he said that no one would want his organs. when i told him they could be used for research and could possibly help others with liver disease, he was really happy that he would potentially be of some use.

my dad was odd. he was often too smart for his own good. he was always in his own head thinking. thats good and bad right? i know at least that i am often times my own best friend but when thoughts head south, im also my own worst enemy. such a cliche, but i think its more true for some people than we really know. extroverted people often turn to their friends and introverted people often turn to his/her own thoughts...

my dads life wasnt easy though. he suffered a lot growing up a poor intelligent minority. he told me in school when he was sent to the gifted class, his teacher tried to send him to the esl room instead. it must have been very tough. also dealing with his own abusive, alcoholic father must have been really difficult for him as a young boy.

so i dont blame my dad for the way he was. i loved him in spite of all his quirks and flaws. deep down he always had a good heart and he loved his girls. i think the difference between seeing an alcoholic from afar and seeing one up close, is the pain you get to experience. not only your own pain but the pain they suffer. its a type of suffering that i would never wish on anyone. to watch it... that alone is painful enough. i can only imagine living it. in spite of that though, i never once doubted his love for my sister and i, and my niece was the newest girl to steal his heart.

when i think about my dad now though, i think about all the silly things he did. all his zany ideas. he liked to give nicknames to people. pretty much everyone he was close to had a special nickname. it was usually not a real word and was very personal to the person he shared it with. i have one, my sister has one... maria... lol. it was like a club that we got to belong to.

i remember making working LED lights on a bread board when i was little. doing science experiments, having sea monkeys, building a go-cart, making a wooden dollhouse... playing nintendo, scrabble, and the dreaded chess. aside from the alcoholism (which was often times all consuming), he could be a lot of fun.

now that he's gone, i try to remember the good because i think thats what most important. that two years has gone by and i still occasionally pick up my phone to call him is a good reminder of just how important he was to me and my life. in the last ten years that he was sober, i finally had a real father. he became someone i could call when i was upset and having a bad day at work, after an argument with a friend (or boyfriend), or if i had a really great day and wanted to share it with someone. he would tell me to be more patient. to cut people more slack. to chill out. he would also tell me the things little girls need to hear from their fathers, like that i was a good girl, that i was smart, that i was beautiful, and that he loved me. every night before bed he would say, "daddy loves you. go to college." even after cin and i had graduated, he continued to say it. these are special things i will always have.

that two years have passed and i find myself back in japan to finish what i started, makes me happy. healing, moving forward, doing things... its important for me. i always want to work towards being someone better. maybe not in all things at once, but little by little.

personally this week has been really difficult for me. i havent been sleeping well, and i am pretty sure ive been kinda cranky- so i apologize to whoever i mightve offended. ^_^ this evening was a quite one. i ate some sushi, took a nice long bath, listened to some classical music, painted my nails... watched some korean dramas and tried to find a good center for myself. i miss my dad terribly but i think he would be happy to know that my sister and i are both finding good places for ourselves.