two years later.... the anniversary of my fathers death.

my dad was an alcoholic. (doesnt that sound like the beginning of an AA meeting?)

i dont say that to be mean, or to dredge up the past or for any other reason than to begin this post with a truth that had such a large impact on my life.

today is the night before the two year anniversary of my dads death.  this night is unique for me because i was in japan 2 years ago when it happened.

it was about this time that i was getting ready for bed.  it was a tuesday night. we had one week left of classes in tokyo and finals were to be held that thursday and friday. i had papers due. my roommate kathy had just gone to bed.

this night two years ago i remember thinking how very lucky i was. i couldnt believe i had finally made it to berkeley.  not only had i finally made it to berkeley, but i was finally going to graduate from berkeley.  the classes i was taking in japan were my very last classes.  mostly electives but necessary for graduation nonetheless.  as i lay in bed thinking, i felt a very strong sense of calm and peace in my mind and in my heart. even now the memory of the feeling of the memory is strong.  that sleep that night was a good sleep.  i would be a long time before i would have a sleep like that again.

of course i awoke to a phone call from bobby early the next morning.  bobby was calling me to tell me that i needed to contact my sister immediately because something had happened. just like bobby, he wouldnt tell me what happened... just that i needed to call cin. after that, time kind of stops.

i remember hastily writing emails to professors telling them i was leaving the program... asking bobby to get me on the next plane back to the u.s.a., and leaving frantic goodbye notes to friends, since i had already started collecting end of the semester gifts for them...

next thing i remember, i was back on a plane heading home. the plane ride (all 13+ hours of it) was a blur... coming home, organizing the funeral... all a blur.  i remember speaking at my dads funeral. i have vague memories of what i said and who was there...

i specifically remember jennifer coming to see me and bringing me flowers just before she hopped on a plane to taiwan- still one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.  i have no idea how james knew how to find me, but he was there too. it seems whenever i am in trouble, james knows where to find me and how to help. i also remember my step sister christi coming. she didnt know my father, but she came for us anyway.

we had the funeral on a monday because my dad didnt want a big fuss.  he used to say that he wanted his funeral to be invitation only... and before coming to japan, my dad told me that since i was the oldest and he was not married, it was up to me to handle his funeral. we went through pages and pages of questions that the hospital wanted us to fill out. when we got to organ donation he said that no one would want his organs. when i told him they could be used for research and could possibly help others with liver disease, he was really happy that he would potentially be of some use.

my dad was odd. he was often too smart for his own good. he was always in his own head thinking. thats good and bad right? i know at least that i am often times my own best friend but when thoughts head south, im also my own worst enemy. such a cliche, but i think its more true for some people than we really know. extroverted people often turn to their friends and introverted people often turn to his/her own thoughts...

my dads life wasnt easy though. he suffered a lot growing up a poor intelligent minority. he told me in school when he was sent to the gifted class, his teacher tried to send him to the esl room instead. it must have been very tough. also dealing with his own abusive, alcoholic father must have been really difficult for him as a young boy.

so i dont blame my dad for the way he was. i loved him in spite of all his quirks and flaws. deep down he always had a good heart and he loved his girls. i think the difference between seeing an alcoholic from afar and seeing one up close, is the pain you get to experience. not only your own pain but the pain they suffer. its a type of suffering that i would never wish on anyone. to watch it... that alone is painful enough. i can only imagine living it. in spite of that though, i never once doubted his love for my sister and i, and my niece was the newest girl to steal his heart.

when i think about my dad now though, i think about all the silly things he did. all his zany ideas. he liked to give nicknames to people. pretty much everyone he was close to had a special nickname. it was usually not a real word and was very personal to the person he shared it with. i have one, my sister has one... maria... lol. it was like a club that we got to belong to.

i remember making working LED lights on a bread board when i was little. doing science experiments, having sea monkeys, building a go-cart, making a wooden dollhouse... playing nintendo, scrabble, and the dreaded chess. aside from the alcoholism (which was often times all consuming), he could be a lot of fun.

now that he's gone, i try to remember the good because i think thats what most important. that two years has gone by and i still occasionally pick up my phone to call him is a good reminder of just how important he was to me and my life. in the last ten years that he was sober, i finally had a real father. he became someone i could call when i was upset and having a bad day at work, after an argument with a friend (or boyfriend), or if i had a really great day and wanted to share it with someone. he would tell me to be more patient. to cut people more slack. to chill out. he would also tell me the things little girls need to hear from their fathers, like that i was a good girl, that i was smart, that i was beautiful, and that he loved me. every night before bed he would say, "daddy loves you. go to college." even after cin and i had graduated, he continued to say it. these are special things i will always have.

that two years have passed and i find myself back in japan to finish what i started, makes me happy. healing, moving forward, doing things... its important for me. i always want to work towards being someone better. maybe not in all things at once, but little by little.

personally this week has been really difficult for me. i havent been sleeping well, and i am pretty sure ive been kinda cranky- so i apologize to whoever i mightve offended. ^_^ this evening was a quite one. i ate some sushi, took a nice long bath, listened to some classical music, painted my nails... watched some korean dramas and tried to find a good center for myself. i miss my dad terribly but i think he would be happy to know that my sister and i are both finding good places for ourselves.

japan != america

hello. welcome to the latest edition of my random ramblings.

recently its been hot here.  about 100 degrees F, but with humidity never less than 70%. Its often on the verge of raining here, though I must admit, its still not as bad as it was a few years ago when I was here. lol. Its supposed to get hotter still. sah. though, what i havent been able to understand is why people complain about the heat so much now... i mean, if its still gonna get hotter... shouldnt we be happy with the near 100 degree weather? A couple of days before it rains, it gets super humid and hot... then the rain comes and its humid and rainy and then the next day its about 10 degrees cooler with less humidity. but again, it takes a while for it to get to that point. lol. its quite the process... though, the more i think about it, the more i realize that if anything makes me leave japan, it will be the weather.

customer service in japan is generally a few points higher than anywhere else i have ever been. when i forgot to pay my internet bill, they shut off my service. when i called after hours, they told me the service center was closed, but the guy on the phone turned my service back on as a courtesy. i didnt even promise to pay it... just good faith. also, the other day i asked a parking attendant if she could give me directions to the restaurant i was trying to find and she left her post and took me on a 10 min walk to find my spot- because she said it was confusing. lol. those are just two examples too... ive had many more.

in sad news, my favorite restaurant here in nagoya is closed. i hope its going to reopen again soon (thats what ive heard) but it will be at least a couple of months. where am i going to go for my meals now? issa really should have thought about me before closing his restaurant. hrm... i wonder if i can get him to cook for me? hehe.

hair is always done up in crazy ways here. its a shame that the women are ugly.  seriously. there's this legend, i guess, that the warlords used to take all the pretty girls from nagoya and send them to live in the capital, so nagoya doesnt have any pretty girls anymore.  poor nagoya. its true.  all the good looking people you see are always from osaka, kyoto or tokyo. lol.  but i digress... hair like the styles you see in magazines are often out and about on any given afternoon. there are always tons of hair accessory places in every shopping area and ive found quite a few things... though like most things japan likes, they tend to go slightly overboard, hair is no exception. i was at an arcade last night and i swear the guys hair was about 7 inches high! lol.

also, id like to talk about myself here for a minute. you know why? cause im a champ. last night i was playing jubeat at the arcade, one of my favorite games where you tap the color of the block thats lit... when a roach came flying past my head! PAST MY HEAD AND ONTO MY GAME! not directly on the keys i was using... but on my machine nonetheless. a BIG ONE! WITH WINGS!!! EEEEWWWW!!! enough to scare the bejesus out of me anyway. but did i stop playing? HELLZ NO! i was in the middle of a 120 hit winning streak - my new personal best- and i could not be bothered, so i continued to my 150+ hit winning score and finished the game. i have no idea what happened to the roach, but i left in a scamper.

like i mentioned that roach was huge. ive started noticing them out and about. they are a sizable force here in japan. really disturbing. i hate roaches. *shivers* also mosquitos. there are tons. thankfully mosquitos dont actually like me, so i think ive had maybe 1 or 2 bites since they started coming around. 

because the weather is so hot and humid, the bugs really are coming out in full force, but aside from that, ive never had to deal with things not drying due to humidity. like clothes. if you dont dry your clothes completely, they dont dry. they just stay wet and get moldy and ruined. T_T i am taking extra care to dry things and let everything air out as much as possible. mold really is no joke here.

the other day i was walking home and i was in sakae- the nicest city part of the city, and as i was crossing the street, it hit me that i was miles and miles away from home. this is something that i am aware of, but at that moment, it hit me. not in a bad way. more like, i had forgotten that i wasnt in america. this feels like home now. it was a strange realization. comforting, but also kind of surprising.

work has been going well.  now that all my observations are over with, i can relax a bit more. my students are falling into their routines quite nicely and i have a nice following of regular students. today i got to help with the counseling of 2 of my students. one is a surgeon and the other is a nurse. they want to eventually work abroad- in san francisco hopefully- in the next few years, so theyve been studying hard. they started a year ago in one of the lower levels, but now they are very close to moving to the highest level we offer. they told me they take my lessons because i speak quickly. lol. but, since they have recently been to the states, they realize that is what normal people speak like, so they appreciate it. but going into these classes with them, i knew they had these plans... so i figured it was best to start preparing them for native speech... im glad they appreciate it too! ^_^

its interesting to see all the subtleties in japan. everyone is forced to fit into a tiny little box and from within that box they must find a way to be slightly unique. for example, students who are graduating go to job fairs beginning in their 3rd year to look for a job. they must all wear black suits, white shirts, and have their hair tied back. you then basically have 3-4 minutes with different companies to sell yourself. can you even imagine? thats one of the reasons self introductions are so rehearsed here (and probably why it was also beaten into us). thats not a lot of time to leave an impression.

i was thinking earlier about california. i miss many things about california but one of the things i dont miss is the traffic. then i was thinking, california should do what japan does. allow the roads to be privatized. then the private company can charge a toll for driving on the highway/freeway and pay the city a fee for using the land. that would save california a ton of money in infrastructure costs. it would also give people incentive to take public transportation. yes, this is what i think about in my spare time guys. i am really exciting, i know. lol.

that brings me back to the topic of staying or leaving japan.  see above video. of course i like it here, but i dont actually have a reason to stay here either. i have pretty much made the decision to stay in japan for at least another year. two years looks really good on a resume and with that experience i can go almost anywhere else i want to go in the world and teach. that being said, i am at a loss for what happens after that. i know i am a weenie when it comes to bad weather though, so if anything, ill likely leave japan for better climate. france does actually look quite appealing to me. the main reason is the sunlight in paris. its daytime until almost 10pm there. i love that. here the sun rises at 4am but sets before 7. france weather is also a bit milder, though it does get a lot colder in winter. but overall, the yearly forecast in france is nicer than anywhere in japan really. lol. donno. 

could be anywhere. my world is wide open. if i meet a super fantastical someone, i guess i could stay here. i have no timeline. no destination. im just moving forward.

speaking of which, i am single again. dating yohsuke is a comedy of errors really. we sat down and had a nice talk the other day, but we are friends. now that i am officially single, i am getting awkwardly set up by friends... i say awkwardly because i usually have no clue that its happening. -.-

i also completed my training with the junior devision. i should be starting work sometime soon! AND i finally found a new place to go. i am going to what they call the "gaijin ghetto" because its where all the foreigners live... but i dont have to pay a deposit, or key money and all the utilities are included in my rent. i will also have sunlight- so i can have plants! ill also have hardwood floors, a nice new bathroom, and a roommate about my age. you can check it out here: freebell.

obon is coming up in 2 weeks! its a 2 week holiday... which is going to be fairly rad. hopefully ill be able to go to tokyo to see emmanuelle. possibly nara with mandy. ise and the islands with hiroshi and cara... lots and lots to see and do. i am looking forward to the rest too, and of course packing. i should be moving at the end of august.... beware of updates and craptons of pictures!

tootles