Thinking about life, love, relationships, work, the entire spectrum of life.

Ok, so I know my last post was in June and I feel super terrible for taking so much time in between posts, but really, I have just had so many thoughts on my mind that I didn't know how to put them all down on paper - er computer.

My last 8 months in America have been exciting, stressful, memorable, nostalgic, filled with culture shock and all sorts of other emotions that I don't quite have the words for. Always with the inadequacy of language.

I always wish I had more words to express my emotions.... hence my love of languages. I feel like the more languages you know, the more you can express yourself.... even if only to those who can speak the language you are using... lol.

So I am working. I am working at an Orthodox Jewish school in Beverly Hills. It's swanky, and filled with the future movers and shakers of Hollywood and the rest of the world. I have the world's kindest boss. He's smart, introverted, kind, and gentle with his words. Stark contrast to the mean and evil man I was working for initially. I must say, working for Rabbi's are pretty cool.

I've learned all sorts of things about Orthodox Jewish culture, like men and women can't touch. When I hand things to my boss, I never put things into his hand. I hold one end and hand it to him with the other. Also, a lot of women cover their hair with wigs when they get married. They basically all practice Shabbat- so on Fridays at sundown they are all inside with their families doing Shabbat things. I have never personally been to Shabbat, but I know they eat a food called Cholent, which is like a stew made in a slow cooker. They can't use electricity or drive cars. Also, they can't cut things. This lasts for 25 hours, so my email is basically quiet until sundown on Saturday night. Also, contrary to popular belief, they don't all have beards. I know 2 rabbis who don't have beards.... My Rabbi (yes, I refer to him as my rabbi), and one of the younger rabbis in our school. Though, the beards are pretty cool.

I miss working directly with the kidlets, but it's nice to be in the atmosphere of school. I like the vibe of children playing and laughing. I also like the strange trouble kids find themselves in. The other day 3 boys came into the office because they'd *found* a stamp and decided it would be a good idea to stamp each other's faces. THEY HAD STAMPS ALL OVER THEIR FACES. It was glorious. Hilarious. Of course they got in trouble, but I had a hard time not laughing while they were being reprimanded.

Relationship wise, well I am still single. I was dating someone for a while... probably since about the time I got back to the states. He is a nice guy. I was really happy. He is a kind guy. A sweet boy. And I wish I was the type to move on easily and to not let my emotions linger... but I love completely... so breakups are always hard for me. I wish him happiness. There's so much to say about this, but probably not best for the blog.

Adjusting to life in the states has been difficult. It's been really hard for me to make friends here. Can you believe that? I'm SOOOO easy to get along with. lol. Actually no, I am super judgmental and I don't like a lot of people - I don't like most people easily, which is probably why I am having trouble making friends... The guy I was dating was basically the only friend I saw regularly.... sooooooooo now I am free a lot. lol. I don't know. Maybe it's just been too long since I've lived in LA. I don't know.

My sister had a baby. My niece got older. It's crazy. Things have been so rapidly changing.

                                                             Smelly Ellie.

                             **Not the best picture of Beka and I at the Cal/USC football game. lol. (SHES SO BIG NOW!!!!)

And of course, nothing would be complete without my old Japan friends and our monthly tin-cook. This last month we had a *friendsgiving* complete with a no oven challenge.

Everything was delicious (as always)!

I was kind of going through my facebook feed to see what I could find.... and I found this thing I wrote about myself a while back. I wrote it in 2009. It's on Facebook if you want to read the old one.... but I am going to do it again - without looking at the answers to see what has/hasn't changed in my life.

more facebook notes about meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

April 8, 2009 at 8:24am

PublicFriendsFriends except AcquaintancesOnly MeCustomBerkeleyClose FriendsNagoya-shi, Aichi, Japan AreaSee all lists...ECCIndividual SoftwareＥＣＣSanta Clara, California AreaSouth El Monte HighSephoraFamilyUC BerkeleyCulver City, California AreaHarkham Hillel Hebrew AcademyKinder Kids International SchoolECC Foreign Language Institutes of JapanEccAcquaintancesGo Back

My story - Finish the sentence...

Hi, my name is ... バルちゃん (baru-chan) or valberry

My eyes are... adorned with beautiful false eyelashes at the moment. =)

 Took this picture today. ^^

My status is ... forever single.

I want to have kids? as i get older, i think the chances are getting slimmer.

I wish I were... in a different place in my life right now.

Currently I am... trying to figure out my life.

I Love... many people and many things. love is a big part of who i am. i wish we all loved more.

Never in my life have I been to... england, and that makes me sad! T_T

My favorite animal is... my little chibi.

Really though, isn't he adorable????!!!

My favorite color(s) is(are): still black, grey, and dark purple.

My Pet Peeve(s): fake people. people who run away because they are afraid. weak people. there's a long list. lol.

Right now... i'm thinking of all the things I need to do (with my life), and all the things I want to do with my life.

The one person who can drive me nuts is... no one really drives me nuts right now....

When I'm nervous... i clean. like seriously. i can't stop cleaning.

The last song I listened to was... requiem in d minor- mozart. yes, i am pretentious.

If I were to get married today... my family would be relieved. lol.

My hair is... long and black.

When I was 4... my sister had just been born. <3

My mom... is happier now. i used to worry about her a lot.

My dad... is dead. his life was tragic. and today, for the first time in a long time, i picked up the phone to call him... and realized i couldn't. T_T

Last Christmas... i was coming home.

I should be... cleaning. anxiety and all.

When I look down... i see my sleeping puppy.

The happiest recent event would be... when I went to the fair. that was the best night i've had since i've been back.

Pretending to eat a jumbo corn dog.... ^_^;;

And this: 

My prized possession: Jumbo CornDuck.

My current annoyance is... noisy americans.

There's this girl I know... who i really wish i could secretly medicate.

The thing I want to buy is... a plane ticket.

If you visited the place I'm from... you'd run in fear. lol

The most recent thing I've bought myself... a lamp.

The most recent thing someone else bought me was... curry and miso soup. i felt loved.

It was delicious. I wish I had more. T_T

If I was an animal I'd be... bobby once told me he thought i'd be a squirrel if i was an animal. i think he might be right.... but I'd want to be a black squirrel. ^^

Yesterday I... worked too much.

Last night I was... sleeping through the rain.

Tomorrow I... will try to think better thoughts.

Tonight I am... gonna clean. lol.

My favorite piece of jewelery is... my grandmother's or my grandfather's wedding ring.

My favorite shoes: boots i bought in japan. sooooo cozy!

I am looking forward to... cori coming to town. <3

The ones that know the most about me are... james, bobby, cori, ryota, go, maki, oscar, and laura. So I am thankful for your guys and all that you've done for me lately. I miss all of you guys daily, hourly, by the minute even. <3

----------------------

In reading my old entry (from 2009), I noticed the following:
- Well, I guess I am not so focused on Kanji anymore. lol. That's a plus.
- My father has since passed. That sucked.
- I kinda still want to be a sparkly vampire.

Lot's of "sah's" in my life currently, but I am optimistic that life will get better slowly but surely.

one day at a time. <3 me.

return to the motherland.

well, its been a while since ive returned to the u.s. i have been hesitant/reluctant to post this final blog for several reasons. leaving japan was actually pretty hard for me. i felt like i needed to make the change, and i guess i am happy that i did, but it was a 55/45 split about leaving. with that in mind, reliving my final days has been kinda hard. i finally posted my pictures to facebook though, and i figured it would be good to follow up with my last blog.

ok, so the update. like i said, its been 2 months since i got back. how do i feel, you ask? i feel "meh". i thought the adjustment would be a bit easier. living in l.a. really isnt a punishment by any sense of the word. i love the weather, the beautiful people, and having my car! also, i have access to all the things i missed in japan. i have my niece. i love her to pieces. shes so smart, so sweet. shes also gotten soooo big!!! my niece is now like 2 feet taller. she was 4 when i left. now shes 7. she's a real person now. she has emotions and thoughts.... and logic!shes also gonna be a big sister in august. i feel its my responsibility to teach her how to be a big sister/eldest child. im sure she will be a natural at the job, but i know its also hard. its a totally new familial dynamic. i look forward to being able to take her on weekends. we are also planning to go the hello kitty convention in october. also, knowing my sister will probably be leaving the state next year, i feel so relieved to have the ability to spend time with my sister and her family.

it has also been nice to see my family. they've been through some serious hardships in the last few years, and its nice to finally come back and spend some time with them. i feel like i've had lots of tlc. i'm also so relieved to see how well they have come out of those hardships. my family never gives up. that is always inspiring.

there's also been a pretty big divide happening in the family. without going into details, i'd really like to see my family whole again... at some point. its disheartening.

along with getting older - my grandparents are noticeably older. my grandpa is still pretty spritely, but my grandma has slowed down a bit. i know people get old. i know its natural. its still hard to see. theres no way to help. theres nothing i can do. i try to make sure everyone i know, that everyone knows how much i love them... so i know i am doing everything i can for my relationship with them... but its still... unsettling. i actually remember thinking when i was about 12/13 years old how i wanted to die when they died. lol. of course i was just a kid, but the amount of weight/influence they have on my life has always been pretty big. i don't know how to watch people get older.

i mentioned it in my last blog, but princess died earlier this year. it was so hard not to see her when i got home. chibi just about wet himself- and me - when i got back. there was so much joy! why is my dog so adorable?

but getting back to my list. this is what i wrote in my last blog:

So I guess this is the tentative plan.

Step 1: Move home. - check.
Step 2: Find a job. Something I really like and endure for the long run/ endure until I can find what I want in the long run. - kind of. i have found a pretty decent, stable job. 
Step 3: Settle down. Choose a path and stay on it for a while. Stop moving, build up my career, put down some roots. not quite here yet. im a serious flight risk right now. lol. 
Step 4: Figure out what what steps 4-100 are supposed to be/what I want them to be. to be completed later.

i think my life is somewhat like the plan below at the moment.....:

Plan b is something like this:

Step 1: Move home, and upon which find out I am no longer "home".... and possible panic mode. But do not fret! yes! this is me right now. panic! all the panic! panic!!!!

Step 2-5: Get my passport renewed. Settle finances. Go through storage. Get chibi's shots/immunizations taken care of. i am going to do this in the next couple of weeks.

Step 6: Reflect. If I really decide that Japan is where home is, then that means I really need to be at peace with leaving on a long term basis. With every passing year, the chance of death increases, new babies will be born, babies will grow up. Life will continue without me. It already has to some extent. I blinked and my niece grew a foot taller. My beautiful cat of 12 years died. These things hit my heart deeply. But the last time I was in Japan- on my study abroad, my dad died. That was my biggest fear ever- realized. I survived that.... though admittedly it was a very primal survival. still thinking on this part. still thinking.

so, i think - at the two month mark - i am still trying out this place. i don't feel like this is home so much anymore. i haven't completely unpacked yet. i am still thinking (daily) about how to get back to japan. i am trying to decide if it will make me happier than being here. 

here is a list of things i have noticed thus far:

american consumerism really bothers me. i dont want to BUY ALL THE THINGS. i dont need them. i dont want to EAT ALL THE THINGS. im pretty happy keeping my diet simple. i also feel a lot more stress here. i am a lot more involved in things here. there is more pressure. also, i have to reestablish my entire network again. of course, all of this was all expected. 

i feel stagnant though too. i need to get moving on things. i think i am going to take a few classes. that will help me reestablish my network, and make me feel like i am going somewhere. i think i have too much time on my hands.

so, i am gonna post some pics from my last month of adventures.... though i am sure these arent the final set. there will be more time spent in japan.... i am positive.

this was taken in toyko. i rather like it. it was from some random alleyway that i walked down. ^^

my friend waka is really the best. she let me stay with her in her apartment in tokyo - for basically as long as i wanted. then she took me to do ALL OF THE HELLO KITTY THINGS SHE COULD FIND. one of the things we did was get our nails done by a hello kitty artist.

 did i mention....ALL THE HELLO KITTY THINGS!!!!

obligatory fuji-san photo. probably the closest i will ever be to that mountain. lol. 

cori and i spent all our time together since we both stopped working at the same time... we went everywhere JUST TO SEE ALL THE SAKURA!!! this selfie was taken in hamamatsu.

doesnt it look peaceful?!?! it wassssssss!!!! ^^

my friend maiko got transferred to matsusaka, so i took a train to visit her. its kind of the middle of nowhere, but we found more sakura... thus, it was a fabulous day.

maki and i at hanami. dude it was so cold. we were pretty miserable in this picture. lololol. this is at tsuruma park. ^^

my ecc. girls. my life would have been so dull without them. <3

anna and i met in 2008 when i first got to cal. she didnt speak any english... and i didnt speak any japanese really. 6 years later.... we were able to communicate sooooooooo much better!!! lololol. taken in kyoto.

still in kyoto! so lucky to have ariel and nicky in my life! they are so wonderful! we were gonna go out but decided to stay in and order ALL THE PIZZA!!!

osaka - boob shaped pudding. you know you wanna try.

kind of a berkeley reunion all over japan! miaka has really grown since we met! <3

another old convo. partner. maiko is now a travel agent in osaka. she came and spent thanksgiving with my sister and i in 2008. she's the best at planning. i always have sooooooo much fun when we hang out!!! ^^

youre not supposed to show your teeth. thats virtually impossible for me. lololol

this was us at the airport. maki took time off of work to drive all of us. go, he made fun of me traveling in sweats. this is where i feel the love. these people.

so there you have it. the final installation. its been a good couple of years. now to figure out what to do next.....

Departure; on leaving japan and plans for the next chapter(s)

Wow, so I guess the postings have been kinda neglected a lot lately. I've been so busy and so tired that I haven't really had time to sit down and collect my thoughts... So I guess I will take a few minutes to write down some things currently on my mind.

First off, yes it's true. I am leaving Japan. Bet you never thought I'd ever say that right??? Believe me, I never thought I would say that either.

I am looking forward to seeing my dog. Every time I see his picture, my heart aches. Chibi really is the cutest little guy.

Next, I need to see my niece and tell her that she's perfect and see how much she's grown. Also, will my sister be huge? My guess is, no. But she's still got a baby inside her, so there's many happenings to take part in. Also, I need to check in on the grandparents. My G was sick last time we spoke... and since grandma can't hear, it's difficult to talk to her on the phone very much.

I want to see where my life goes. I have so many things to do.... I wanna do big things, great things, and I need time to do all of them.... unfortunately, I also need money. hehehe. I don't have money though... so my timeframes progress in decades, not years. ^^;;

Going home still kinda seems surreal. It's a choice that I have made reluctantly, and one I am still not completely sure of. However, I've moved so many times and to so many different types of places, this move shouldn't be too difficult to adjust to. After all, it is home.

Or is it? It's been at least 12 or 13 years since I've lived in LA. I love the weather, the atmosphere, the everything... but again, it's been too long for me to accurately judge the reality of living vs. visiting.

I think my step-dad and I are on the same page. It's odd how he and I can understand each other without having to say much, and considering how very different we are. Luckily, I think we both respect each other and that goes a long way. He is not entirely convinced that I will get on the plane back home. He wonders if I'm gonna sell my ticket and stay here... Not gonna lie, the thought has crossed my mind. However, I have already set this plan into motion and I am usually pretty good at following through.

So I guess this is the tentative plan.

Step 1: Move home.
Step 2: Find a job. Something I really like and endure for the long run/ endure until I can find what I want in the long run.
Step 3: Settle down. Choose a path and stay on it for a while. Stop moving, build up my career, put down some roots.
Step 4: Figure out what what steps 4-100 are supposed to be/what I want them to be.

I need to make sure everything is right in my heart. I cannot live with regrets or questions in life. So what happens if I move home and I realize that I have made a mistake? Well, that's not an option. There are no mistakes. I think if I move home and I realize home is not where I want to be, then I set into motion the secondary plan.

Something like this:

Step 1: Move home, and upon which find out I am no longer "home".... and possible panic mode. But do not fret!
Step 2-5: Get my passport renewed. Settle finances. Go through storage. Get chibi's shots/immunizations taken care of.
Step 6: Reflect. If I really decide that Japan is where home is, then that means I really need to be at peace with leaving on a long term basis. With every passing year, the chance of death increases, new babies will be born, babies will grow up. Life will continue without me. It already has to some extent. I blinked and my niece grew a foot taller. My beautiful cat of 12 years died. These things hit my heart deeply. But the last time I was in Japan- on my study abroad, my dad died. That was my biggest fear ever- realized. I survived that.... though admittedly it was a very primal survival.

I think I will be happy either way. I like my life. I am basically happy anywhere I go- if given some time to sit and figure out my situation. Just gotta figure out where my heart is telling me to be. I can't figure that out until I go back home and see.

-----

Currently, I am in the final stages of leaving my job. I got my review today and it was soooo much better than the last one. The last one wasn't bad but it wasn't glowing either. I am the type of person who really needs to sit and soak in a situation before taking charge. That means I can come off as incompetent, aloof, and/or sometimes dumb. Now that time has passed, I feel like I understand the system parameters well enough to make good judgements. Anyway, yay me!

Today I said goodbye to one of my students. She will not be attending the last day of class tomorrow. I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her, told her to study hard, and to do all her homework. I imagine what my dad must've felt like always telling me to do my best and "go to college". It was very momma bear-esque. It really hit me in the feels. I don't usually cry at work, but tomorrow might be an exception. The thought of not seeing these babies anymore really rips at my heart. I am so proud of how much they've matured and grown. This really has been the most exhausting job of my life thus far and easily the most rewarding. That's what they told me in the interview. It consumes my life, but I wake up happy to go to work in the morning. ^^

Thankfully, with this last review it looks like given they have space, I have the possibility of being rehired- should I want to come back. That makes me feel really secure in my choice to go home. Going home is not closing the door here.

Tomorrow is my last day with the kidlets. Thursday is my last day of work. I have so much to think about, but for now the focus is on tomorrow. Then moving back home in 29 days. Then choosing a long term path. One step at a time ne. ^^

Japanniversay part deux.

Through September------

Wow. So last blog was in April eh? I've been so busy with updating my life, that I haven't been able to update my blog. Many things have happened/changed since my last entry.

We are now about half way through the year at my not-so-new-job. It's been a whirlwind of many different types of things. firstly, I love my class. the group of kids that I have are amazing. Watching them learn, grow, and develop, has been the highlight of my time in Japan. Recently, we've started giving the kids spelling tests, and it was really difficult. The first couple of weeks were a bit rocky, but at the Sport's Festival everyone did so well! I almost cried. Almost. ^^

My job is difficult but rewarding. I love seeing all the kids, not just my class, on a daily basis. They've all made changes, some big and some small, but it's quite the miracle. Being head teacher isn't easy. I have a lot of responsibility, and like most people in management positions, other people have no clue what managers do. My goal is to always try my best, and be as fair as possible to everyone. In order to do that, I try to keep a very clear line between work and social life, and that's not always easy. I want to be friends, but I don't want to compromise my judgment either. So as always, balance.

Fall is here finally! I survived summer. Actually, summer isn't as bad as people always complain about. I slept with my heavy down comforter all summer long. I think a couple of nights I only used the sheet, but usually I slept with my comforter. The hard thing is really the humidity. It's pretty terrible. I am such a wuss when it comes to weather. I think about the weather a lot. I obsessively check the different weather reports, and try to stay away from nature as much as possible. >_< I basically stayed inside, in my A/C'd apartment most of summer. ^^ This seemed to serve me quite well. I don't like discomfort. >_<

I did do a few things though. I went to Taiwan for Golden Week in May. It was one of the greatest things every to see Nancy again after so long. I missed her so much! It'd been almost 10 years since I'd seen her. It was great to just sit and catch up, and just like any good friend, it was like we had never parted. We picked up exactly where we'd left off years ago.

Another highlight was seeing Jennifer. She's been such a great friend to me.... every since Berkeley. She's pushed me forward even when I didn't think it was possible to move forward. I am eternally grateful for her kindness. She is now living it up in Australia. I am not sure if I will be able to make it there before she leaves, but it was great seeing her in Taiwan before she left.

Besties old and new. Jennifer left, Nancy middle and me!

I also got to see Murial and Emmanuelle! I've seen Emm in 3 different countries now! Jennifer too! ^^ I hope our travels and career paths send us in the same direction again someday soon. ^^ Murial also seems to be doing well. She speaks so much Chinese now that she's forgetting her Japanese. lol.

All in all, Taiwan was a great trip. I didn't actually do anything either. We didn't see any museums, we didn't go to any parks, or see anything special.... all we did was eat and shop. It was super relaxing, recharging, and heart-warming. I felt like I was at home with Jennifer and Nancy with me. Taiwan feels almost as close to me as Japan- and the food is cheaper there too! ^^

Jumping ahead, we had a BBQ in August. It was a lot of fun! We got to hang out at a fun beach with a lot of friends. It was soooooo hot though, I thought I was gonna die. The water was nice and the food was good, so I think everyone had a great time. ^^

The bbq gang.

----------> through December

Well, so many things have happened since the last draft I started even. lol. One thing I should note, is that since Mandy returned home in April, my Saturday nights were a little lonely, but perked up once my new friendships with Go and Oscar (not so new) melded with my relationship with Maki. The four of us basically hang out every single weekend. I still miss Mandy lots. I don't think my impression of Japan would even be the same without her company in the first year I was here. It was a pretty big blow when she left. I am so grateful for Maki, Go, and Oscar for keeping me company since then. <3

My goodbye ECC dinner with Mandy.

One of the things I did for my birthday this year was go to Korea! It was the first time I had been to Korea, but one of the places I'd always wanted to go to. I HAD SOOOOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!!! It was also the first time I had ever been on an actual vacation with a friend. This is serious business. Friends can be great friends, but you never know if you're good travel buddies. See, I am the type who likes to do a lot of local things. I like to get a feel for the atmosphere and the culture. I usually want to pick one or two touristy things, but mostly stay off the radar. I pick a few days that I will force myself to go for an ungodly amount of time and relax the rest of the time. I feel no need to hurry when I am on vacation because a vacation is supposed to be fun- in my opinion- and I want to enjoy it. This is something I have learned with time. As it turns out, Maki is the same way. She'd been to Korea several times in the past, so she didn't really care to do any of the touristy things either. We did a lot of hanging out with her Korean friends, and shopped at local markets, and hit up the hottest bar/club in Seoul. I think I would have no problem living in Seoul. I think I could live in almost any major city, in any first world country. lol. I couldn't live in Bangkok, for example, but I could easily see myself living in Paris, Seoul, Taipei, or L.A./S.F. Anyway, Korea- loved it. I can't wait to go back actually. ^^

I have food in my mouth in this pic. -.-

I got to see Judy yay!!!!

Also for my birthday, Maki, Go, Oscar, and I went to Toba (where Maki's family has a timeshare condo), for the weekend. I think it was one of the best times I've ever had anywhere. It was one of those perfect moment times. The kind of time when you look around and you are hyper aware of the fact that this is one of those "special moments" in your life. Maki and I brought laver (Korean seaweed snacks), soju (Korean alcohol), and face masks from Korea for the boys. We made them wear them with us during our pajama party. The result was quite wonderful. I really wish I could upload the video!

Oscar and I looking scary.

Oscar creepin on Maki!

Then in October we celebrated Halloween at school. I get to do all sorts of crafts with my kids. All the things I remember making as a child, I can make with my kids now. All the memories I am creating for them come from the dreams I had of being a teacher one day. It really is exactly what I've wanted to do. My job is not east by any means. I am often tired. I've started drinking coffee. The amount of work these kids do at their age is amazing and terrifying. We are having a Christmas concert in two weeks!

I am constantly reminding myself that they are only 5 years old. We push them so hard, and try to let them enjoy their childhood at the same time. It's a really delicate balance. Because they are so mature though, we do get to do a lot of things with them that I could probably not do with a child of the same age in the states. It also makes me wonder, if I ever have kids, how hard will I push them? I am seeing the limits of what children are capable of now. The amount my kids have progressed and changed over the last 8 months is amazing. I want to push them harder because I know they can do more. I want them to be confident and resilient to Japanese society when they get older. Japanese school is tough. Teachers are so strict. Little kids are sooooo stressed out here. Suicide is very high. With all that in mind, I push my kids so they know how to work hard and succeed in Japanese society, but I praise them and give them tons of hugs and love so they are confident in themselves. I think a lot about my job. I think a lot about my kids. One time I had a guy ask me, "how many kids *DO* you have???" I realized he actually thought my students were my kids.

On the subject of dating, dating is really different here in Japan. It's never black and white. It's never clear cut. Just like everyone else in this world, my mind is multifaceted. In some ways I can be very girly but in most ways, I am practical. When my ex told me he loved me, I told him I would respond after I thought about how I felt for a while. Not that I didn't love him, but I wanted to make sure that it wasn't infatuation. When I say, "I love you", it should be with real meaning. Recently, I was thinking about moving, staying, trying to decide my future plans. A guy I have been going out with (more on that later) said to me, "I didn't give you my opinion because I didn't want to decide your future." Basically he wanted to let me decide my future without giving me any pressure. That is very sweet. The sentiment behind it is very sweet. My response was, "I never decide my future based on a guy. You can be a factor in my decision but you alone cannot carry any decision." Ugh, this is why people call me "ice queen". lol. I'd like to think I am very level headed- most of the time. *shrug*

So anyway, there is a guy that I have been kind of going out with recently. He's the friend of a friend. He lives in Osaka, which is a few hours train ride away from here (unless you take the shinkansen which is a bit pricey but 45 min train ride). He's 34, going on 35. Nice guy. Obviously I can't write too much, but we'll see. Currently, I have no idea what's going on. lol.

Well Christmas is coming up soon. This past weekend we celebrated Thanksgiving with about 25 people here in Nagoya. It was a grand feast. Turkey, stuffing, and every fixin' you can think of attended the feast. Now that Thanksgiving is over, I have 2 weeks until I go home for CHRISTMAS! YAY!!! I can hardly wait until I go home. This time it's been a year since I've been home and it actually feels like it's been a year. I have missed my dog, my sister, my mom, my beka.... ITS BEEN SOOOO LONG SINCE IVE HAD GOOD MEXICAN FOOD! I miss my grandparents a lot. I miss my dad too. I know he isn't alive anymore, but I feel closer to him when I am near my aunts...but I also feel my dad around when I do certain things.....like when I make Spanish rice. I can hear him telling me over and over not to burn the garlic. Or in the way my kids will say, "that's right" in the tone I say it, which is something I picked up from my dad. There are so many things I wish I could tell him. I also haven't had a chance to say goodbye to my cousin properly yet either. I haven't been able to hug my aunt. I feel like there are things I need to do at home.

Anyway, I am excited. My future is ever wide. December 1st marks my 2 year anniversary in Japan. I can't even believe it. lol. I always feel myself moving forward which is good but also a bit scary. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens next! Until the next post....!

the neglected blog

march 20th.

welp, i guess its time to dust off the cobwebs from this blog. i know its been quite a while since my last entry, but my goal was to write once a month for the first year that i was in japan, and well, i did that. i got from november to november, basically writing every month. thats not to say that i plan on abandoning my blog, i do plan on updating this as frequently as possible, but only when interesting things happen. i feel kinda lame sharing the things that are mundane in my life. i think at this point the newness of living in japan is gone and ive completed settling into my life here in nagoya.i often think about posting a lot of things though... just have to wait until ive compiled a list long enough for a blog. ^^;; actually, i guess i dont. my friend cindy often posts really short blogs... kind of like thought bubbles, that i really enjoy reading. my sister always complains that she has to sit down for at least a half hour to read my blog. lol. hrm. balance.

today i dyed my hair. i dyed it black again... the color was fading and my grey hair was showing... when i was in high school it was fun to have grey hair... now i feel old. -.- i also cut bangs the other day. i did it myself! lolol. they didnt turn out bad either! ^^ i also cut down my nails... they were long and beautiful, but i have to have them short for the next chapter in my life. thus, my hair is solidly black, my nails are short and neutral colored. T_T i feel normal. blah. 

so lets see... updates... i went home in december.

i think the clouds are prettier in l.a.

first time in a year since i got to see the familia. i missed my niece soooooo much! she is such a special little child in my life. i only have 2 pictures in my room, one of my niece and one of my dog. lol. they are both like my children. when i am away i miss them both terribly. to be honest, im not sure how ive made it this long without my chibi. seeing his little face was the only thing that kept me moving when after my dad passed away. dogs are stupidly loyal, but so am i, so i can respect that about dogs. 

i have the cutest puppy.

as for my niece, i am always amazed at the beautiful, intelligent, inquisitive young lady she is becoming. as long as my sister and brother-in-law continue to nurture that in my niece, i believe she will accomplish many great things.

cin and beks making cookies for santa!

my mom made enchiladas for me.

behold all of the goodness. thaaaank you mom!

she learned how to make them from my dads mom. i dont know how long the recipe has been in the family, but ive never had any others like them and (in my opinion), nothing compares to them. ^^ overall it was a great success being home. ^^

another highlight from my trip was my weekend excursion to santa barbara with the ladies, and daniel. ^^ lots of kpop, giggles, games, makeup, and food was had. we went to the beach in WINTER! god i love los angeles. we have the best weather ever. it was a little cool, but not cold. my friends really are the best. i love them all dearly.

some of the other highlights from my trip, were seeing my grandparents, parents, cousins, aunts, james, bobby, and the two new babies. i miss my grandpa. he is one of the greatest people ive ever known. his sense of humor is always on point, and his sense of morality runs very deep. we did lots of things but mostly eating. i ate a LOT of mexican food. a LOT.

first meal of the trip, mexican OF COURSE!

lol. i dont know how i ate so much... but i was basically sick of eating it by the time i got back. lol. is that really possible?? maybe. lol. the mediocre food here is barely enough to wet my tastebuds. if i want mexican food, i have to cook it myself... but i ate a lot and it was good. ^^

when it was time to say goodbye, it was really hard for me to leave my dog. he wailed and sobbed. thinking about it makes me tear. i will be with him again. as soon as i figure out my life, he will come with me. my niece also had a hard time saying goodbye. i didnt realize how hard it was on her to say goodbye but one minute she was helping me with my bags, and the next minute she was sobbing away. once shes a little older we will be able to skype each other easier. my sister was supposed to set up facetime with my niece... but my sister flaked out on my 3 times. T_T she also forgets and gets sidetracked... so im guessing it hasnt been done yet. yes, its been 3 months... not that i am waiting cindy!

when i got back, i had to get back into the swing of work. nagoya is cold during winter... the air is dry and it makes my throat hurt. ive been sick a lot here... mostly getting used to different germs and different colds going around. i think i am over the worst of it though.

i think i mentioned this a while ago, but there was a guy who started sitting next to me on the train. he sat next to me faithfully for several months. kind of a creepy guy, but maybe 5'3 in stature and not a very big build... so i was never worried. he never spoke to me. he smiled when he would sit down and smiled when he left, but we never spoke. bobby dubbed this, "meitetsu love story. love begins at a stop," and i would often joke that he was my love interest... but actually he was a creeper. ^^;; when he smiled, he was missing his back teeth... and he would also sit a little too close. but, like i said, i could take him if i wanted to. ^^;; anyway, i was amused but not interested. ^^;; anyway, i finished my last wednesday shift last week and ended up sitting next to someone else... so.... we never said goodbye. after 6 months my story ends. my sister says that hes going to look for me on trains for the rest of his life. lolololol. that would be an interesting story twist, but i think our story ended well. im sure he will find someone else to creep on. ^^;;

from april 6th to now. ^^

so, now that ive finally left my old job, i can plainly state that I HAVE A NEW JOB!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!! it was kind of obnoxious that i couldnt say anything... and to the point that some people actually wanted me to lie about why i was leaving and where i was going. i am FUNDAMENTALLY AGAINST lying to people. also, leaving was a bit of a pain. for whatever reason leaving a company isnt easy....

in all honesty, i worked really hard. i always work hard. on all of my reviews- with a possible score of 95 (i think), with 10 possible bonus points, and my lowest score was 102. -.- i thought it was kinda lame that i never got any information on where to submit my badge, where to take my books, or even a thank you (not that i expect a thank you, but it would have been nice). i only got one phone call from personell telling me that i needed to take down my post about my new job and that i had to watch my words... and a subtle threat that my words were slanderous. ugh. here's the thing. the definition of slander is the stating malicious and/or false statements to harm the reputation of a person/group. I never said anything slanderous. i said i got a new job and said that i'd be making more money, have better hours, and have more time off. all of that is true.... and i most definitely did not say it with the intention of damaging their reputation.... anyway.

most of my schools were pretty great. i do feel very lucky to have had my eikaiwa position. i met a lot of really great people; great students, great staff, and a ton of fantastic coworkers. i think many of the relationships i built will be lifelong. also, it got me to japan on a 3 year visa, and traveling to all the different schools really allowed me to learn nagoya pretty well. also, the training i got was pretty good. i learned how to manage my classroom and deal with a variety of behavioral issues. i feel like it was a great baby step towards my new job.

my goodbye dinner. 

i also said goodbye to my kvp, the kindergarten program i was working in. i really loved going to my kindy... its probably the thing that pushed me towards this new job. i loved my kids there... and it was hard to say goodbye. we took a big class picture together.... they are soooooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeee!!!

my new school has some pretty strict policies regarding privacy, so i cannot say too much, but so far i really like it. i am working really hard and i am constantly thinking about work, but i feel very satisfied with what i am doing. its a pretty swanky place with many swanky people. the staff is very friendly and they are all very close knit. its kind of strange for me to come in as head teacher, but i am working on building new relationships with the staff. i have soooo many things to learn, but i am trying...! lol.

hanami with 2 of my new coworkers! yay!

i finally feel like i am a real teacher. that makes me really happy. most of you already know that ive wanted to be a teacher since i was about 5 years old. i remember making worksheets for my sister and making her sit down and do them.... lol. yes, i was a bossy older sister. o_O when i first learned you could teach in japan, about the age of 8, i decided i wanted to live in japan and teach. well, i really really really took the long way here, but i finally did it. its a major life goal accomplished.... now if only i didnt live in nagoya. T_T i miss being in a big city... its soooooooooooooooooooo dreadfully small here.

i finally feel like i am a real teacher. that makes me really happy. most of you already know that ive wanted to be a teacher since i was about 5 years old. i remember making worksheets for my sister and making her sit down and do them.... lol. yes, i was a bossy older sister. o_O when i first learned you could teach in japan, about the age of 8, i decided i wanted to live in japan and teach. well, i really really really took the long way here, but i finally did it. its a major life goal accomplished.... now if only i didnt live in nagoya. T_T i miss being in a big city... its soooooooooooooooooooo dreadfully small here.

I went to the penis festival last month! ^^

they wanted me to do something suggestive with the lollipop but i thought just having a picture of it was enough for my family... lolol.

its actually a fertility festival, but since they have statues of penii and a float... and lots of candy in the shape of penii, all the foreigners have dubbed it such. a good time was had by all im sure. 

choco banana penii.

everyone rubs this one and then takes a picture with it. the old ladies told me this is why its so smooth. lololol. 

also, i realized that i really enjoy my own company. i mean, i knew this before but whenever i go somewhere, i always want to go alone. i always think im going to have more fun if i go alone. i dont really know if thats true or not.... but i like to take photos of things and i usually feel like a burden if im making people wait for me to set up a shot or annoyed with others for not letting me set up a shot. ^^;;

thats why.... i think i am going to taiwan alone! lol. i was going to go with maki but she seems a bit busy this month (and i am too) so we havent really talked about it. i really really wanna see jennifer and nancy, so i think im going to just go. i really like taiwan. ive already done all the touristy things, so i dont really want to do that stuff. mostly i wanna eat good food, shop and relax. i wanna spend some time with my good friends and take some time to shoot some (hopefully good) pictures. actually, aside from my trip to asia with bobby, and the two weeks my sister and i spent in france together (but i was already studying there.... so it almost doesnt count), ive never really taken a vacation with anyone. i think its kinda funny actually.... ^^;;

also! its SPRING!!!!!!!!!!! the weather is finally a bit warmer- and by warmer i mean high 50's- which isnt quite warm... lol. but at least it seems to be raining a bit less than it did last year. last week week i went to *4* hanami! lol. 花見 (hanami) means flower viewing. the first kanji is the kanji for "flower" and the second is "to look/see" everyone basically goes out and sits under the cherry blossoms and they have massive picnics. everyone. everywhere. lol. the parks are flooded with people. i really really like it. ^^.... anyway, i think i finally appreciated the cherry blossoms this year. they are absolutely beautiful and everyone is always sooo happy! as of today, i think they are all gone. they lasted about 8 days this year... but super strong winds and rain almost surely knocked them all off the trees now. it happens so quickly!

soooo pretty.

full bloom!

early afternoon shenanigans.

the park is so pretty at night!

with saori. <3

in very sad news.... we've lost mandy. ok, shes not dead... but shes in australia! which is reeeeeeally far away! i dont think ive actually processed the fact that shes gone yet... but seeing as how its saturday night and i am at home writing a blog instead of enjoying a delicious dinner somewhere, means i feel the loss! lol. before she left, we spent a lot of time hanging out. we even went to osaka for her birthday (ok, technically i was already training in osaka....) and had dinner at the hard rock cafe! omg i missed american food. lol. 

our last photo. i shouldve worn makeup. lol

i made a photo album for her as a going away present. i collected pictures from our year together... initially i was worried that i wouldnt have enough photos, but i easily had 100 photos and had a hard time deciding which photos were going to make the cut.  i had just enough time to print the last photo we took together from the dinner to add to the album. i hope she liked it. ^^

its funny... i go back and forth between moving. my apartment building is great. i have everything i want here. i like my space... but i feel like i could be closer to work... i really miss living in fushimi. nagoya is already such a small city... i feel like even at the main station i am too far away from the city. also it would be nice to be back on the blue line... because thats the line i take to work.... ugh... i donno. it doesnt help that yohsuke (stupid yohsuke) told me this building is where japanese people come to have sex with foreigners....  -.- ugh... i dont know! i need to sit still for a while maybe. i get ancia. 

i also bought a new camera (have you noted all the pictures yet??)! my poor old point and shoot camera was actually dead. completely and utterly dead. i was kind of disgruntled because bobby took it to israel in 2010? and it got aaaaall scratched... and it was hard to see the pictures... but my little blue camera went everywhere with me. yes, i do have an iphone but it dies easily and i like to take pictures! so anyway i went and had a quite lengthy conversation with the guy at bic camera and i think i settled on a good one. be ready for many many more pictures! (as if i didnt already take enough pictures.... )

hrm....lets see... cultural notes:

1. the shinkansen is the coolest train ever. i love riding it soooo much and i try to take it as often as possible. ^^ its soooo fast and soooo comfortable... its like being on a plane without any of the stress!!! its expensive... but a very nice way to travel. 

2. something thats really annoying here are trucks with loud speakers spouting random things like political jargon and other annoying things. AND they often start by 9am! i feel like im living in a nationalistic propaganda war. it doesnt happen often... but it was quite frequent during election time. WHO STILL USES LOUD SPEAKERS ON TRUCKS???? ugh. its annoying.

3. one of the more popular artists is kary pyamu pyamu. you kinda have to see it to believe it... but my friend chad is quite the fan of hers.... and shes playing in the background as i type this... i dont know why she gets stuck in my head! aaaah!

YOU MUST WATCH THIS! lol. you will be so confused.

4. also, in the last couple of japanese dramas that ive seen, at least 2 people have committed suicide. i actually cant remember the last time i saw suicide in an american drama... its quite rare.... i wonder what that says about our society. both are recent dramas... and both kinda dealt with the whole suicide as kinda.... "oh thats too bad... and life goes on..."

5. soooo many goodbyes.... i think thats just the nature of the business here....but with everyone in japan too. people get transferred a lot here! wth! every april there is a mass migration throughout the country.... but growing up where i grew up.... people dont leave very much... unless they join the military or go to jail. ^^;; im not good at goodbyes... especially permanent ones. ah well.

6. old people riding bicycles. like actual old people. riding bicycles. they dont always ride them well... but they do ride them.... i cant even imagine g or grams trying to ride a bike right now....

7. speaking of bikes, here are a couple of interesting bikes ive found:

rear child seat.

this bike had a read AND front childs seat. just cant be safe!

hand warmers! its freaking cold here... and if you notice the black thing in the middle, its for umbrellas! yes, people do attach umbrellas to their bikes. its REALLY ANNOYING.

8. knives vs. guns.... a lot of the dramas here show knives as the main weapon of attack. now... again, growing up where i grew up, the thought of being taken down by a knife is laughable. yes, i know you can in fact kill someone with a knife.... but every time i see it i giggle inside. japan really doesnt experience true crime very often.... i wonder which is better/less damaging.... obviously knowing crime/ seeing crime take place/ having it built in the culture, isnt great... but being docile/oblivious/unaware is also a disadvantageous.

9. japan has seasons. i hate it. ill never ever get used to having to go outside in the rain. i need to be rich enough that i can stay home when it rains.... i wonder what kind of job that is... construction worker? lol. sah... rain sucks.... so does cold! wth?! cold is lame. i hate being cold. BUT this year i bought my first official winter coat. i actually have a down jacket.... its really warm. im saddened that life has beaten me down enough to buy one... but i am warm. the fake down jackets just didnt keep me warm and i constantly thought i was dying. DYING!!!!!!!

last night i was the first time since october i slept without a heater... but its on again today cause its cold. *shakes fist*

10. i get tired of people being surprised that i can use chopsticks. should i also be surprised when people can use a fork? it happens a lot here.... i think foreigners really need to work on their cultural understanding of japan. they need to learn japanese and stop giving people like me a bad rap. i suffer soooo much because people come here, know nothing, dont learn anything, and make social faux paus.11. i saw it. underwear in a vending machine. i wanted to buy it for fun... but it was like $5 a pair... so i decided against it. also, side note, selling used underwear is actually illegal. these were *fresh* panties. ^^ aaand... the style of underwear people like in japan seems to be of the granny type... which is kinda eeeew.

12. rilakuma condoms: rilakuma is a sanrio (hello kitty) character. clearly, these are not to be used by children. -.-

disturbingly cute condoms... sorry guys but if you came at me with one of these, i might laugh you out of my house. 

caption says, "cant we spend the night together?"

Today I made 3 types of kimchi. i am eager for it to be ready (they take a while to ferment)! I also made veggie patties for hamburgers. THEY WERE FANTASTIC! my mouth was so happy. i have 10 more in the fridge for later! eeee!!1 next week, a new mole sauce, rice krispy treats, and corn tortillas.

finally, i think i need to start working on some sort of scholarship again. my brain is itching for something.... im thinking of looking over some manuscripts... perhaps polishing up my thesis.... or looking over my classical japanese. i couldnt find my notes when i went back home... so im kinda bummed about it.... but i need to keep my brain thinking about these things so i can stay on top of my field. aaaand yes, its true that i study things from hundreds of years ago.... BUT WHAT IF THERES A BREAK THROUGH!! O-O i really want to get my thesis published too.

ok... guess thats all for now.... ill try not to stay away for so long. ^^

xoxo