well, its been a while since ive returned to the u.s. i have been hesitant/reluctant to post this final blog for several reasons. leaving japan was actually pretty hard for me. i felt like i needed to make the change, and i guess i am happy that i did, but it was a 55/45 split about leaving. with that in mind, reliving my final days has been kinda hard. i finally posted my pictures to facebook though, and i figured it would be good to follow up with my last blog.
ok, so the update. like i said, its been 2 months since i got back. how do i feel, you ask? i feel "meh". i thought the adjustment would be a bit easier. living in l.a. really isnt a punishment by any sense of the word. i love the weather, the beautiful people, and having my car! also, i have access to all the things i missed in japan. i have my niece. i love her to pieces. shes so smart, so sweet. shes also gotten soooo big!!! my niece is now like 2 feet taller. she was 4 when i left. now shes 7. she's a real person now. she has emotions and thoughts.... and logic!shes also gonna be a big sister in august. i feel its my responsibility to teach her how to be a big sister/eldest child. im sure she will be a natural at the job, but i know its also hard. its a totally new familial dynamic. i look forward to being able to take her on weekends. we are also planning to go the hello kitty convention in october. also, knowing my sister will probably be leaving the state next year, i feel so relieved to have the ability to spend time with my sister and her family.
it has also been nice to see my family. they've been through some serious hardships in the last few years, and its nice to finally come back and spend some time with them. i feel like i've had lots of tlc. i'm also so relieved to see how well they have come out of those hardships. my family never gives up. that is always inspiring.
there's also been a pretty big divide happening in the family. without going into details, i'd really like to see my family whole again... at some point. its disheartening.
along with getting older - my grandparents are noticeably older. my grandpa is still pretty spritely, but my grandma has slowed down a bit. i know people get old. i know its natural. its still hard to see. theres no way to help. theres nothing i can do. i try to make sure everyone i know, that everyone knows how much i love them... so i know i am doing everything i can for my relationship with them... but its still... unsettling. i actually remember thinking when i was about 12/13 years old how i wanted to die when they died. lol. of course i was just a kid, but the amount of weight/influence they have on my life has always been pretty big. i don't know how to watch people get older.
i mentioned it in my last blog, but princess died earlier this year. it was so hard not to see her when i got home. chibi just about wet himself- and me - when i got back. there was so much joy! why is my dog so adorable?
but getting back to my list. this is what i wrote in my last blog:
So I guess this is the tentative plan.
Step 1: Move home. - check.
Step 2: Find a job. Something I really like and endure for the long run/ endure until I can find what I want in the long run. - kind of. i have found a pretty decent, stable job.
Step 3: Settle down. Choose a path and stay on it for a while. Stop moving, build up my career, put down some roots. not quite here yet. im a serious flight risk right now. lol.
Step 4: Figure out what what steps 4-100 are supposed to be/what I want them to be. to be completed later.
i think my life is somewhat like the plan below at the moment.....:
Plan b is something like this:
Step 1: Move home, and upon which find out I am no longer "home".... and possible panic mode. But do not fret! yes! this is me right now. panic! all the panic! panic!!!!
ok, so the update. like i said, its been 2 months since i got back. how do i feel, you ask? i feel "meh". i thought the adjustment would be a bit easier. living in l.a. really isnt a punishment by any sense of the word. i love the weather, the beautiful people, and having my car! also, i have access to all the things i missed in japan. i have my niece. i love her to pieces. shes so smart, so sweet. shes also gotten soooo big!!! my niece is now like 2 feet taller. she was 4 when i left. now shes 7. she's a real person now. she has emotions and thoughts.... and logic!shes also gonna be a big sister in august. i feel its my responsibility to teach her how to be a big sister/eldest child. im sure she will be a natural at the job, but i know its also hard. its a totally new familial dynamic. i look forward to being able to take her on weekends. we are also planning to go the hello kitty convention in october. also, knowing my sister will probably be leaving the state next year, i feel so relieved to have the ability to spend time with my sister and her family.
it has also been nice to see my family. they've been through some serious hardships in the last few years, and its nice to finally come back and spend some time with them. i feel like i've had lots of tlc. i'm also so relieved to see how well they have come out of those hardships. my family never gives up. that is always inspiring.
there's also been a pretty big divide happening in the family. without going into details, i'd really like to see my family whole again... at some point. its disheartening.
along with getting older - my grandparents are noticeably older. my grandpa is still pretty spritely, but my grandma has slowed down a bit. i know people get old. i know its natural. its still hard to see. theres no way to help. theres nothing i can do. i try to make sure everyone i know, that everyone knows how much i love them... so i know i am doing everything i can for my relationship with them... but its still... unsettling. i actually remember thinking when i was about 12/13 years old how i wanted to die when they died. lol. of course i was just a kid, but the amount of weight/influence they have on my life has always been pretty big. i don't know how to watch people get older.
i mentioned it in my last blog, but princess died earlier this year. it was so hard not to see her when i got home. chibi just about wet himself- and me - when i got back. there was so much joy! why is my dog so adorable?
but getting back to my list. this is what i wrote in my last blog:
So I guess this is the tentative plan.
Step 1: Move home. - check.
Step 2: Find a job. Something I really like and endure for the long run/ endure until I can find what I want in the long run. - kind of. i have found a pretty decent, stable job.
Step 3: Settle down. Choose a path and stay on it for a while. Stop moving, build up my career, put down some roots. not quite here yet. im a serious flight risk right now. lol.
Step 4: Figure out what what steps 4-100 are supposed to be/what I want them to be. to be completed later.
i think my life is somewhat like the plan below at the moment.....:
Plan b is something like this:
Step 1: Move home, and upon which find out I am no longer "home".... and possible panic mode. But do not fret! yes! this is me right now. panic! all the panic! panic!!!!
Step 2-5: Get my passport renewed. Settle finances. Go through storage. Get chibi's shots/immunizations taken care of. i am going to do this in the next couple of weeks.
Step 6: Reflect. If I really decide that Japan is where home is, then that means I really need to be at peace with leaving on a long term basis. With every passing year, the chance of death increases, new babies will be born, babies will grow up. Life will continue without me. It already has to some extent. I blinked and my niece grew a foot taller. My beautiful cat of 12 years died. These things hit my heart deeply. But the last time I was in Japan- on my study abroad, my dad died. That was my biggest fear ever- realized. I survived that.... though admittedly it was a very primal survival. still thinking on this part. still thinking.
so, i think - at the two month mark - i am still trying out this place. i don't feel like this is home so much anymore. i haven't completely unpacked yet. i am still thinking (daily) about how to get back to japan. i am trying to decide if it will make me happier than being here.
american consumerism really bothers me. i dont want to BUY ALL THE THINGS. i dont need them. i dont want to EAT ALL THE THINGS. im pretty happy keeping my diet simple. i also feel a lot more stress here. i am a lot more involved in things here. there is more pressure. also, i have to reestablish my entire network again. of course, all of this was all expected.
i feel stagnant though too. i need to get moving on things. i think i am going to take a few classes. that will help me reestablish my network, and make me feel like i am going somewhere. i think i have too much time on my hands.
so, i am gonna post some pics from my last month of adventures.... though i am sure these arent the final set. there will be more time spent in japan.... i am positive.
this was taken in toyko. i rather like it. it was from some random alleyway that i walked down. ^^
my friend waka is really the best. she let me stay with her in her apartment in tokyo - for basically as long as i wanted. then she took me to do ALL OF THE HELLO KITTY THINGS SHE COULD FIND. one of the things we did was get our nails done by a hello kitty artist.
did i mention....ALL THE HELLO KITTY THINGS!!!!
obligatory fuji-san photo. probably the closest i will ever be to that mountain. lol.
cori and i spent all our time together since we both stopped working at the same time... we went everywhere JUST TO SEE ALL THE SAKURA!!! this selfie was taken in hamamatsu.
doesnt it look peaceful?!?! it wassssssss!!!! ^^
my friend maiko got transferred to matsusaka, so i took a train to visit her. its kind of the middle of nowhere, but we found more sakura... thus, it was a fabulous day.
maki and i at hanami. dude it was so cold. we were pretty miserable in this picture. lololol. this is at tsuruma park. ^^
my ecc. girls. my life would have been so dull without them. <3
anna and i met in 2008 when i first got to cal. she didnt speak any english... and i didnt speak any japanese really. 6 years later.... we were able to communicate sooooooooo much better!!! lololol. taken in kyoto.
still in kyoto! so lucky to have ariel and nicky in my life! they are so wonderful! we were gonna go out but decided to stay in and order ALL THE PIZZA!!!
osaka - boob shaped pudding. you know you wanna try.
kind of a berkeley reunion all over japan! miaka has really grown since we met! <3
another old convo. partner. maiko is now a travel agent in osaka. she came and spent thanksgiving with my sister and i in 2008. she's the best at planning. i always have sooooooo much fun when we hang out!!! ^^
youre not supposed to show your teeth. thats virtually impossible for me. lololol
this was us at the airport. maki took time off of work to drive all of us. go, he made fun of me traveling in sweats. this is where i feel the love. these people.
so there you have it. the final installation. its been a good couple of years. now to figure out what to do next.....
